Entry: Choosing Happiness Sep 8, 2011



Here we go again.

Yes, right now I am happy as I could be. I don't know, maybe it's the after-sex endorphins, but right now I am really really happy I got to be with him all last night. I'm happy just remembering he held me in his arms as we slept. I'm happy to know that he still wants me. Yes, even if it is just for sex. Because that's the kind of person I am. When I fall in love, all my self-worth goes out the window. This is the only kind of love I am able to give, this I'll-give-you-everything-you-want-everything-i-am-even-if-i-hate-myself-for-it-afterwards-and-even-if-people-hate-me-for-it love. I learned this from ix. He's always taught me the best lessons.

I know what's coming next. I have been through this cycle enough times to know that a day or two from now I wil regret this all over again, wallow in self-pity and misery and blame the world for making me unlovable.

But right now, I am happy. I choose to be happy, simply because of the fact that I know there is plenty of time for self-doubt later. I choose to be happy because right now I really am. Right now, this is the only thing that matters: that for one night, for one more night, I get to pretend that he chose me.

It's sad, I know, but I choose to be happy.

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