i have never realized how painful the situation i am in is until now. maybe it's because i have never realized the intensity of what's happening. maybe it's because i have never realized how painful this is going to be. for both of us.

do i have to choose? do i have to decide now? do i even have to at all? i would have preferred to ignore the situation and wait until i am forced to decide, but maybe it would be unfair to do that. unfair to him. and unfair to myself.

but i don't know what the right decision would be, and being the incredible OC that i am, i will never ever let myself decide until i am absolutely positively sure of what i am doing. maybe i'll never decide after all.

which do i prefer?

the one who thinks he loves me, or the one i think i love?
the one i am comfortable with, or the one who makes my heart jump?
the one says he is willing to do everything for me, or the one i know i will do anything for?
the one whose heart i've broken a dozen times, or the one who kept breaking my heart?

which would i prefer? to love or to be loved?

i lost. i utterly and completely lost. i didn't even make it to the semi finals. how pathetic. how utterly pathetic. and i wanted it so badly too.

and it hurt. it hurt because i wanted it so badly. and i worked so hard to make my posts interesting and all that. but i still lost. and it shocked the living hell out of me.

i don't know why i thought my name would be on that list. yes, perhaps i was a little too vain to think that way. but i really id think i was good enough to at least qualify for the semifinals. but i didn't. i didn't. i didn't. i failed. just like that time. that time when i worked my ass of the stupid speech and i wasn't chosen. even though i was inspiring and funny and smart and real and they said so.

why is it that whenever i work hard at anything, i fail? perhaps i ought not to try at all.

why am i never good enough?

she was the girl friend.
she was the best friend.
and i was just me.

she was beautiful.
she was perky.
how do i fit?

she was a dancer.
she was miss popularity.
how do i compete?

and then i can't think of what to put next. haha.

i admit that there's still this tiny part in my heart that won't let go of him. i know it's been a long time. too long, in fact. but i can't help it. i can't get over him.

and what hurts more is that she's still there, right beside him because she never told him how she felt. she stood in the background while her two best friends fought over someone they would both lose. in the end, the one who lied won. and i can't accept that. i just can't.

far.
farther.
farthest.
farther.
far.

farther. farther than you could have ever imagined, you have crossed the boundaries and are lingering in the gray area between right and wrong. there's no turning back.

the moment is intense. the moment is vivid. and at that moment, the moment is the only thing that matters. and you want the moment to go on forever, but at the back of your head something is screaming for you to stop, stop, STOP IT, this is WRONG, this is ALL WRONG, yet you go on because there's just no way to stop it.

and when the heat is over where will you be? will you be weeping over your loss or living your life as if nothing happened? will you regret? will it matter? will you care?

will you do it again?

everyone sees me as a slut. his slut to be specific. and even though i know i'm not, it still hurts to know that that's how they see me.

i know i look bad because i let him hug me. and kiss me sometimes. and all that crap. but a lot of other people do that too, and nobody thinks badly of them.

why?

is it because i'm too quiet? is it so wrong to want to keep your thoughts to yourself?

i know i sound bitter, and i guess i am. i just want to know what i did to deserve this. and what i could do to undo this.

i hate myself for saying this, but i hate it when he does that. i really really do. and i know i've told him to stop it. over and over and over again. and he doesn't.

and i hate myself for it. am i not saying it forcefully enough? does he see me as some sort of slut that he thinks he can do anything he pleases and i'd let him? does he not understand when i say no? because i do say no.

and no really does mean no.

and i want to slap you everytime you take that no for granted. only i couldn't. because i don't want to hurt you.

damn.

i've been lying to myself. i don't really believe we'll have a happily ever after. i don't even believe in happile ever afters. it's too much to hope for.

besides, i'm impossible.

so why am i the one hurt?

i hate being blown off.

i know it's not fair because i do it too and besides, you had a valid reason. but still.

i hate it.

i wish you just told me you were blowing me off. i wish you just told me you're too busy having fun to talk to me. i wish you just told me that socializing and partying was more important than i am.

i would have understood.

i hate being bown off.

happy birthday sa iyo
ano nga bang pangalan ko
happy birthday sa iyo
walang gustong maging katulad ko

happy birthday sa iyo. sayang naman, ni hindi ko naibigay yung regalo ko sa iyo. pano, busy ka. busy ka na naman. busy ka na naman sa DotA.

sayang. kahit medyo last minute yun, pinagisipan ko yun. isang taon kasi kung pagisipan kung anong ireregalo ko sa iyo. ang hirap kasing magregalo sa lalaki e.

sayang. gusto ko pa naman ako yung magbibigay sa iyo nun. kaya lang gabi na. kailangan ko ng umuwi. sayang, may ikukuwento pa naman sana ako tungkol dun.

sayang. nagpasama pa ako kay rachel para bumili ng gift tag. wala kasing card yung lugar na iyon e. ni hindi ko man lang naibigay sa iyo.

sayang. sana masaya ka sa birthday mo. kasi ako hindi na.

i see him so much. i hate it.

it's been 5 years. why is he turning up all over the place all of a sudden? i don't need the reminder. whenever i see him, i remember who i used to be. i rememeber the me i hated, the me i tried so hard to run away from. the me that i sometimes which i were again.

i don't need to be reminded how i ruined myself to be who i am today. i don't want to be reminded of how i used to be. i don't want to see him, and see in his eyes the person he loved 5 years ago.

i wish you'd go away. i don't want you to see who i turned myself into.